Fighting Fire with Fire
When I was little I heard adults countless times say, “Be the bigger person” or “Turn the other cheek”. I was even taught on the school yard, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. What a bunch of poop! What is it about this emotion called anger that drives children into their schools to kill their peers and then themselves? Husbands to kill wives and wives to kill their husbands? Why do we humans give it so much control over our words and actions? One of my favorite books says that behind anger is fear. I was sort of skeptical about that one. When I got angry that one of the kids spilled their milk, what was it that I was afraid of? When I was consciously aware that I was angry over spilled milk on the couch one day, I asked myself that question, and I was surprised by my answers. I was afraid the spilled milk would make the couch smell bad. I couldn’t afford a new couch and I didn’t want a smelly one. Wasting the milk upset me, what if one day we couldn’t just go out and buy milk? I was afraid I might sit in the wet spot and have to change my pants. Or worse one of the kids would sit in the wet spot and I would have to change their pants and I didn’t want any more work than necessary. It sounds kind of crazy, but these were some of the things I was afraid of because of spilled milk. Becoming aware of what I was afraid of took the anger away. There were solutions to each one of those fears and none of them were that bad. But alas, I am merely speaking of spilled milk, not so tough.
Why is it that when we fight with a loved one stepping back and asking ourselves what we are afraid of is so difficult? For me it’s because the fear is too painful. It’s easier to fight and be righteous than actually look at the fear. Normally my fear is that I am being rejected. And rejection for me opens this can of worms of self worth and self love issue that I have. I believe we all have this issue to some degree or what would we have to be afraid of? But without these inevitable fights that we all have with each other, in one way or another, how else would we learn about our fears? This is normally why two angry people fighting can spiral out of control. Neither wants to “turn the other cheek” or “be the bigger person”. It’s easier to fight for your side than delve deeper and face an ugly fear. Anger is an active emotion and yelling is more fun than crying. Plus you can be angry with another and vent inappropriately on them rather than be sad by yourself. So humans tend to fight fire with fire and we all know what that gets us - a bigger fire.
I just wish we could learn to fight fair, without guns and knives, without overpowering a weaker individual, without misdirecting our anger to an inappropriate person. Maybe we, as a village, an extremely large community could start by asking our children, “So, what are you angry about?” instead of saying, “Just be the bigger person, their words can’t hurt you. Turn the other cheek.” I know when I was a kid, that advice really made me mad.
Debbie @ October 14, 2007