Death, Rebirth, and Resurrection

Musings

I had a very strange month. I find it no coincidence that it took place during December, which of course is the month which embodies the “Holidays.” My friend was telling me how she recently read an article about how people regress around the holiday season. Seems like common sense to me. When I look back at what took place during the month of December, it was really nothing different than what usually happens around Christmas while I was growing up. There was one difference though, my response to it.

I can’t put my finger on what exactly happened. In November, I was having some trouble and had reached out to one of my teachers who I had also had a couple of healing sessions with. She gave me an analogy that she uses to teach one of her classes. She asked me, “So who’s driving your bus?” She then went on to explain that although people consciously think they are making choices and decisions, we are really reacting and choosing from our limiting, unconscious beliefs. So it’s sort of like you are on a double decker bus, and you are on the top of the bus thinking that you are driving. The actual driver is down below and his or her name could be Fear, Grief, Guilt, Shame, Righteous nous, or a combination of any of them, or some other negative emotion. Essentially, we are not driving our bus so to speak. I realized that most of my life had been run by insidious, unconscious and limiting beliefs, and almost all of them I would have denied ever believing.

So, who was driving my bus? I started to ask myself that every time I would get angry or feel out of control with a situation. “How do YOU want to react or respond to this, Deb?” I would say to myself. Easier said then done. When you’ve let Fear, Grief, Guilt, Shame, etc. drive your bus for your entire life, they don’t want to give up the driver’s seat so easily. So what better time to grapple with my demons then the Holiday season. When a part of your consciousness becomes aware of something that has been unconscious, dealing with it comes next. You can cover that stain on the carpet by moving the couch, but you still know it’s there. For me, I realized some pretty devastating patterns in my life that I wanted to change. Although they were negative and self defeating patterns, they were familiar and comfortable and had served my negative and limiting unconscious beliefs quite well. Unfortunately, a part of me had a really hard time letting them go, and that’s were Death comes in.

I don’t mean Death in the physical sense, but in the way of dying to a part of your life that no longer serves you, breaking old patterns that are negative and don’t work, completely letting go of all that has been of your life up until that point. Again, this is easier said then done, and once set in motion, no matter how hard you fight, cling, or hang on for dear life, you will “die.” I can’t explain how or what happened, but I can tell you how I felt and how my thoughts changed. I know it took weeks of me struggling against it, and then as if someone flicked a switch and turned a light on in a room, I was different and my suffering stopped.

It took place early this morning, right after I watched the Ball drop in Times Square on TV. I was distraught about my life and how my future looked and suddenly, I wasn’t. In that moment though, everything I had been striving for no longer mattered. My priorities completely shifted. All of my dreams were gone, my past was truly the past and forgiven, my entire life up until then was complete history, no longer dictating my future. It was as if the slate was wiped clean. I was fresh and new, because after this experience of “Death,” came Rebirth. I literally felt brand, spanking new. And from that newness sprung new goals, new priorities, new Life. Resurrection.  My world was suddenly filled with endless possibilities instead of a couple old, stale problems. Death, Rebirth, and Resurrection in about five minutes.

This is not to say I don’t look back at my life with some grief here or a little guilt over there, but it happens in a detached way. I can see the grief or the guilt, without having to actually experience it all over again. I can honestly say too, that I am driving my bus some of the time now. Sometimes I find Anger or Depression at the wheel, but I find I am able to calmly remove them from the driver’s seat rather than the beat down fights with the swerving and missing turns that I used to have.

Deborah @ January 1, 2008